'She gave me two options and one option is never happening': Man's new wife wants to adopt his daughter so ex-wife can no longer be in the picture, man says he'd rather divorce her than force his daughter into adoption

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Jan 26, 2025 5:00 PM EST

If you get to the point in a relationship where you're forced to give your partner an ultimatum, you might as well throw in the towel right then and there. It shouldn't have to be a completely life-changing decision to get what you need, and if you aren't getting what you need, you should probably just get up and go! Sure, the pressure of an ultimatum could help you achieve happiness faster, but couldn't you flip a coin, too? Makes a pros and cons list? Maybe this is an unpopular opinion to have, but ultimatums feel like the option for people who haven't made a single decision for themselves in their lives.

There are situations, too, that are too delicate for people to be throwing ultimatums around. Take this man, for example, whose wife made him the ultimatum of either adopting his daughter so his ex-wife and mother of his child stay out of their lives for good or getting a divorce. Honey, if you were that pressed about an ex being involved, you should've thought about that before you married a man with a kid! But I digress… why don't you read their story and make your opinion on ultimatums, et. al.


 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10456927232
    via Laura Ohlman
  • 02

    "AITA for telling my wife to divorce me because I'm not forcing adoption on my daughter?"

    I (33m) have an 8 year old daughter Ella with my ex and I have full custody of her. I'm married to Laura (30f) and we have two kids together. Ella's mom is a train wreck, alcol, dr s, multiple arrests and a lot of personal issues. She has not seen Ella for around a year now.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 03
    She did have supervised visits ordered by the court but she didn't always make those due to hospitalizations, arrests and such. I've been dating Laura since Ella was 2. So she's very familiar with Laura. But she doesn't call her mom and she still loves her mom and wishes her mom would get better and be a real mom to her. I have her in therapy to help her process everything.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 04
    Laura knew how things were when we started dating and she knew how it was when we got married. I always made it clear that my priority was Ella's safety, health and happiness and I told her I understood if it got to be too much and she didn't want to commit. But she said she was on board for it all.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 05
    Only now she's tired of my ex reappearing every so often and she wants to adopt Ella so my ex can't have any access ever again.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 06
    She does love Ella and sees her as hers just as much as mine. But the main reason she's being so forceful is severing my ex's rights would get her out of the picture until Ella's 18 and chooses to look for her mom on her own. Laura says this is what's best for her and for all of us. But Ella doesn't want to be adopted by Laura.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 07
    Even if her mom never gets better, she doesn't want to be adopted.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 08
    I respect this and I won't force it. But Laura isn't happy. She said we have the other two kids to think of as well and how Ella might pull away from us if her mom causes more trouble in the future, she might choose her over us. I said that could happen even if she adopts her. And I said it will definitely happen if we force this.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 09
    Laura and I have discussed this numerous times now and she told me she doesn't see our marriage surviving if I won't talk Ella around or let her do it, or get a therapist who will. She said she will not keep being just the stepmom when Ella's mom won't put her first, while she has been and doesn't get the benefit of legal stability of adoption. She said I only had two options and needed to decide which I wanted. I told her to divorce me then because I'm not forcing the adoption on Ella.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 10
    Laura didn't expect my answer and she told me she thought I'd offer to speak to Ella more. That I clearly don't care about our marriage. I said I do but she gave me two options and one option never happening. And I can't control if she divorces me for it. AITA?
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 11

    Reddit commenters weighed in on the family drama

    Cheezburger Image 10456927488
    via tam wai
  • 12

    And thems the breaks.

    The danger with giving ultimatums is that sometimes the person chooses the option you didn't want. NTA.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 13
    NTA. You're putting Ella's feelings first, which is exactly what a good parent should do. She's been through enough, and forcing an adoption she doesn't want would only hurt her more.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 14
    Laura's frustration is understandable, she loves Ella and wants legal security, but pushing this against Ella's will isn't fair. You were upfront from the start about your priorities, and now she's giving ultimatums. You didn't choose divorce; she did by making it the only other option. If she can't accept that Ella's feelings. matter most, that's on her.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 15
    NTA. You're putting Ella first, as you should. Forcing her into something she doesn't want is just gonna hurt her more. Laura knew the deal from the start, so if she can't handle it now, that's on her. Ella's happiness comes first, always.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 16
    NTA. I understand Laura's feelings. It is heartbreaking to watch a kid be dissapointed by a sh*tty parent over and over again.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 17
    And also she probably doesn't want Ella's mom around her own kids, which is something that will happen as long as Ella's mom has any visitation rights. So I get it, I get her wanting Ella's mom out of the picture. But at the end of the day this is about what Ella wants, and she doesn't want this. You are right that you can't force her to just abandon her mother and accept Laura as her mom.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 18
    And you're right that trying to force the issue will only cause resentment and make Ella MORE likely to pull away in the future instead of less.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 19
    Honestly, you're not the a h le. Ella's feelings matter the most, and you're respecting her wishes. Laura's being kinda pushy, and forcing something on a kid isn't the way to go. If she can't respect that, then yeah, maybe it's not gonna work. You're doing what's best for Ella.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 20
    Nah, you're not the ah le. Forcing adoption on Ella would just mess things up more. You're respecting her feelings, and that's what a good parent does. If Laura can't handle that, maybe she's not built for this situation. You're putting your kid first, like you should.
    via GamingDadx9x1
  • 21
    You're not the AH. You're respecting Ella's feelings and not forcing her into something she's not comfortable with. Laura needs to understand that, and it's messed up for her to make you choose like that. It's all about Ella's happiness and trust.
    via GamingDadx9x1

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family drama stepmother aita parenting ex wife divorce family daughter Reddit
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